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Berger’s Burg: Many memorable occasions spring up in April

For here is April weather!

The daffodils beneath the trees

Are all a-row together.

The lilac bush is sweet again;

Down every wind that passes,

Fly flakes from hedgerow and from lane;

The bees are in the grasses.

And Grief goes out, and Joy comes in,

And Care is but a feather;

And every lad his love can win,

For here is April weather.

– Lizette Woodworth Reese

April is the month of romantic songs such as “April Love” and inspirational ones like “April Showers.”

The month also celebrates such diverse themes as April Fool’s Day, April 1; daylight-saving time, April 4; Passover, April 6; Buddha’s birthday, April 8; Good Friday, April 9; Easter Sunday, April 11; the deaths of Presidents Franklin D. Roosevelt (April 12, 1945) and Abraham Lincoln (April 14, 1865); Income Tax Day, April 15; Holocaust Memorial Day, April 18; and Patriot’s Day, April 19.

Other memorable dates in this month include Administrative Professionals and Secretary Day, April 21; Creation of Kindergartens Day, April 21, 1837; Earth Day, April 22; Israel Independence Day, April 26, 1948; and National TV Turn-Off Week, April 25 to April 30.

April also is Math Education Month; Older Americans’ Month; Cancer Crusade Month; and Spring Cleaning Month. So let us welcome the disparate April and, while we are doing just that, allow me to list many other observances the month embraces.

National Honesty Month: The IRS must have initiated this one. It knows that honesty comes from training, background and fear of getting caught. Will the person who lost a $100 bill 10 minutes ago please form a double line?

Keep America Beautiful Month: Gloria and I tried to do our part by growing a garden. She perused the gardening catalog and selected her choices — flower seeds that take two years to bloom. Luckily, she used last year’s catalog.

I don’t have a green thumb. I once killed a flagpole. I tried planting again and the flowers never talked back to me, not once. Gloria explained they were mums. When I saw pictures of Mars, I smiled. The gardeners up there aren’t any better than I am. I even went so far as to attend a tree-doctor school. It didn’t pan out, however. I fainted at the first sight of sap.

National Poetry Month: “Though April Showers may come your way, they bring the flowers that bloom in May. So if it’s raining, have no regrets. Because it isn’t raining rain you know, it’s raining violets. And when you see clouds, up on the hill, you soon will see crowds of daffodils. So keep on looking for a bluebird and listening for his song, whenever April Showers come along.” — lyrics from “April Showers” written by B.G. DeSylva (music by Louis Silvers).

Teacher Appreciation Month: When applying for a job as a teacher, Gloria was required to fill out a questionnaire. “Give two reasons for entering the teaching profession,” it wanted to know.

She wrote, “July and August.”

A kindergartner inquired why teachers get paid when it is the kids who have to do all the work.

A first-grader ran up to her with tears in his eyes. “What is wrong?” Gloria asked.

The child answered, “I just found out I will be in school until I am 18.”

Gloria told him, “Don’t worry. I have to stay here until I am 65.”

World Health Month: Mark Twain said, “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like and do what you would rather not.”

Doctors can tell if a man is healthy by what he takes two at a time — stairs or pills. I told my doctor I found a great way of keeping a head cold from my chest — I tie a knot in my throat. He gave me a lot of antibiotics. When I sneeze, I cure somebody.

I joined a new diet-support group — Partners Without Pasta. Whenever I enter a health food store, the clerk looks like death warmed over. So quit worrying about your health. Eventually, it will go away.

National Library Month: I went to the main Queens Library in Flushing and came across some classic book titles: “Rocket Science — Self Taught,” “Retire Before You Reach Puberty,” “Love Letters from Michael Jackson to Martha Stewart,” “Love Letter from Martha Stewart to Michael Jackson,” “Musical Favorites of Osama bin Laden” and “How to Cheat at Badminton.”

National Egg Salad Month: It took the first three months of our marriage before Gloria discovered that you don’t open an egg with a can opener.

Whenever Gloria prepares egg salad, I keep Alka-Seltzer on tap. Gloria’s egg salads really aren’t bad, once she marinates them. She used to give leftover egg salad to our cat, but she stopped. The vet said that the poor animal only has four lives left. Emeril passed by our window last week, smelled Gloria’s egg salad and threw a rock through our window.

National Shirkers’ Month: I really did not feel like writing a column today, and I was thinking about calling in sick, but I was too lazy to dial the phone.

“Hug an Australian” Day (April 25): Bring on Nicole Kidman and Olivia Newton John.

National Humor Month: Mr. and Mrs. Lester Lovelace had been married 40 years. As they were sitting in Ben’s Deli celebrating, Mr. L. said, “You might as well hear it from me. See that blonde? She is my mistress.”

“You dirty dog,” Mrs. L. exclaimed. “After all these years, you had a mistress?”

“Wait a minute. See that redhead with the bangs? She is Mr. Amore’s mistress.”

“That ##XX!! has a mistress too?”

“And see that brunette? That’s Mr. Tenderlee’s mistress.”

“Mr. T.? That ##XX!! has a mistress also?”

“Hmm, Lester, you know something? I like ours the best.”

Keep smiling!

Readers, remember to turn your clocks ahead on April 4.

Reach columnist Alex Berger by e-mail at timesledger@aol.com or call 718-229-0300, Ext. 140.

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