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Berger’s Burg: Woman, you’ve come a long way, baby

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Now, men, start taking notes and maybe in two centuries we will once again become remarkable.Did you know that the number of working women in the U.S. has grown from 5.3 million in 1900 to more than 65 million today - 48 percent of the country's work force (including Gloria)? Despite this statistic, many women want equal rights with men. These gals simply have no ambition.When I married Gloria, I made a promise to love, honor and obey. And she is doing her best to make sure I keep that promise. Gloria has become a women's libber. I am not in the least bothered by this. Now she complains about all men, not just me. And, when she is busy stirring things up on the outside, it's become quite peaceful at home. I like all Women Libbers with a head on their shoulders. I hate necks.Gloria once challenged me and asked, "What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?" "I dunno," I answered. "All were invented by women," she boasted."What do the wheel, the electric light bulb, the computer and football all have in common?" I countered. "Men who married inspirational woman," she gloated. Do you know, she may be right. Women's lib certainly changed my way of thinking. I used to believe that old maxim, never send a boy to do a man's job. Today, you'd better send a woman.The libbers say that only the women of today are interested in the problems of women. I've got news for them. Men are also interested in the problems of women - finding one. I discovered that a woman may be taken for granted, but she never goes without saying. But, tell me, if women are supposedly smarter than men, why do they wear blouses that button down the back?They keep recalling the days of yore, when wives, daughters, mothers-in-law and others of the feminine gender were responsible for the running of the home. They cooked, cleaned the house, washed the clothes, mended the clothes, tended to the children and lived within meager budgets. Now this has all changed. Women have become liberated and trot off to work.So I had to learn to cook, clean the house, wash and mend the clothes, tend to the children and live within a meager budget, while Gloria goes shopping with her weapon of mass destruction, her credit card. But she is working to earn her own "mad money" (I call it mad money because every time I want to discuss it, she gets mad) to spend on purses, shoes, a head of lettuce, shoes, purses and an occasional endive. Shopping, indeed, has become her main avocation. In fact, it is a sport she excels in and she has a black belt to prove it.Women, it seems, have taken over America. There are women-CEO's, women-soldiers, women-mechanics, women-boxers and women-bus drivers. However, I don't think a woman can ever become president of the United States. She will never reach the legally required age!Women libbers, I love you, but I have some pet peeves about present-day women that I must tell you about. Why is it whenever I go to a crowded theater and I sit behind a woman who keeps up a steady stream of chatter during the movie and I say to her, "I can't hear a damn thing," she answers, "I wasn't talking to you (&#%! *)."And at the super market, when I walk through an aisle blocked by two women discussing women's talk, I am not allowed through. I have to back up my cart and maneuver it to another aisle (ugh!). At the fish section, a woman will spend an eternity examining the fish and then say she doesn't like the looks of it. "Next time," I told one of them, "buy a goldfish for looks."At the vegetable section, a woman will pick up a tomato, squeeze it 10 different ways, then ask the produce man, "How much do you charge for this rotten tomato?"And worst of all, many times at the checkout counter, why do I have to stand behind a woman with enough food in her shopping cart to feed half of China? When her bill is finally tabbed, she then rummages through her purse for several minutes before extracting her money (why don't they use a credit card like Gloria?) She then examines the receipt, asks how much every item was and returns half the items. With that done, she then remembers she has coupons and the cashier has to recompute her entire order. By this time, my milk has turned sour, my eggs have hatched and spider webs have formed on my lamb chops. Why? Why? Why?In 1776, while our country's forefathers were debating the issue of independence in the Continental Congress, John Adams received this letter from his wife, Abigail, dated March 31, 1776: "I desire you would remember the ladies and be more generous to them," she wrote. "Do not put such unlimited powers into the hands of the husbands. Remember all men would be tyrants if they could. If attention is not paid to the ladies, we are determined to foment a rebellion and will not hold ourselves bound by any laws in which we have no voice." Hubby John Adams, in jest, answered, "Depend upon it." If only John and Abigail could see us now.Men, don't fret. I know women aren't perfect, but still aren't they the best other sex we can have?Reach columnist Alex Berger at timesledger@aol.com or call 229-0300, Ext. 138.

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