Brains, beauty and consternation define the female sex

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In various stages of her life, a woman resembles the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she’s like Africa — virgin territory, unexplored; from 18 to 30, she’s like Asia — hot and exotic; from 30 to 45, she’s like America — fully explored and free with her resources; from 45 to 55, she’s like Europe — exhausted, but not without places of interest; after 55, she’s like Australia — everybody knows it’s down there but nobody much cares. — Al Boliska

March will soon be blowing in and with it International Pillow Fight Day (22), World Water Day (23) and National Sleep Awareness Day (29). It is also Women’s Progressive History Month. Gloria is watching, so I will ignore the other three and choose writing about the gals.

Women are like tea bags; they don’t know how strong they are until they get into hot water. — Eleanor Roosevelt

Women’s History Month was designated in 1987 to mark the achievements of the female gender that has made remarkable upward leaps during the past two centuries. Men, perhaps in another two centuries we will remarkably upward leap, too, and catch up.

The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul, is “What does a woman want?” — Sigmund Freud

Did you know the number of working women in the United States has grown from 5 million in 1900 to more than 69 million today — 49 percent of the country’s workforce (including Gloria)? Despite this statistic, many women are still clamoring for equal rights with men.

The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think. — Anonymous

When I married Gloria, I made a promise to love, honor and obey. She is doing her best to make certain I keep that promise, especially the “obey” part, ever since she became a flaming feminist. Now she complains about all men, not just me. I now know why women are called the opposite sex: Try voicing an opinion.

I know the nature of women; When you want to, they don’t want to; And when you don’t want to, they desire exceedingly. — Terence

Gloria, my teacher wife, gave me a quiz last week: “What do bulletproof vests, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?” “I dunno,” I answered. “All were invented by women,” smarty−pants boasted. I was given a zero.

“What do the wheel, the electric light bulb, the computer and the football all have in common?” I smugly countered. “Men who married inspirational women,” she gloated.

Many women believe only women are interested in the problems of women. Not true. Men are also interested in the problems of women: finding one. At times, a woman may be taken for granted, but she never goes without saying. If women say they are smarter than men, why do they wear blouses that button down the back?

History recalls when wives, daughters, sisters and mothers−in−law were responsible for running the home. They cooked, cleaned the house, washed and mended the clothes, tended to the children and lived within meager budgets. Since Gloria trotted off to work, I inherited all these chores, including living within a meager budget. All the while, Gloria continues to go shopping with her weapon of mass destruction: her credit card. She has since earned a black belt in shopping.

The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. — John Barrymore

I have changed my mind about women. Gloria and Abigail convinced me to never send a boy to do a man’s errand — send a woman instead. Who is Abigail? Read on.

In 1776, while our country’s forefathers were debating the issue of independence in the Continental Congress, John Adams received a letter from his wife, Abigail:

“... Remember the Ladies, and be more generous and favourable to them than your ancestors. Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the Husbands. Remember all men would be tyrants if they could. If particular care and attention is not paid to the Ladies we are determined to foment a Rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any Laws in which we have no voice, or Representa­tion.”

I wish Abigail were alive today to see the advances of American women.

I know women are not perfect, but still, aren’t they the best other sex we have?

Contact Alex Berger at

Posted 6:36 pm, October 10, 2011
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