By Alex Berger
God invented kindergarten because mothers would have gone bonkers a day longer!Patrick and Alejandro were playing together in class when a cute, curly-haired girl walked by. Patrick said, “You know something, Al? When I stop hating girls, I think I will stop hating that one first!”A kindergartner bragged to her Mom that she learned to write in school today. “What did you learn to write, honey?” Mom asked.”I'll tell you when I learn to read.”Guiseppe hasn't spoken one word since the first day of kindergarten. One day he was asked to return the crayon he had taken from Shirley. “Why do I have to?” he defiantly inquired. The stunned teacher gasped, “Guiseppe, how come you never spoke a word to me until now?” He answered, “Well, up until now, everything's been OK!”I recently sat in my house, in this dead of summer, racking my brains thinking of a column to write, while Gloria, the kindergarten teacher, was in the den preparing for the start of her new school year, next month. The phone rang, and it was our 5-year-old granddaughter, Keri, telling me how excited she is about starting kindergarten in September. I gave her good advice and told her to keep smiling and not forget to bring an apple for the teacher.Then it suddenly came to me. I will write a column about kindergarten. My brain then began working in full throttle. With smoke coming out of my ears and all burners set on maximum, eureka! It appeared before me – a column about kindergarten. See how easy it is to come up with a topic by simply using a little ingenuity, imagination and brainpower?Gloria, the early childhood educator, would be a good place to start. “Gloria, please sit down. I want to interview you.” She did.”Now tell me, Mrs. Berger, are you married, do you have any children, how long have you been living in Queens and how long have you been teaching kindergarten?” The dirty look I received forced me to get to the chase immediately.”After many years in the classroom, I now evaluate children.””My, my, quite impressive, Mrs. Berger, but let's get back to kindergarten. Now relate some of the humorous stories you experienced during your days as a kindergarten teacher and don't stop until I tell you to.” (Isn't it great to be a columnist and be able to tell your wife to stop talking?)”I have a zillion and I cherish each and every memory the children provided,” Mrs. Berger said. She then related some kindergarten tales.”I once asked Kenneth how much was 5 plus 2. He answered 'a lot.' I then asked Donna how much 7 and 3 were. She answered 'more.'”Kwon was at her play table drawing with crayons. 'What are you drawing?' I asked.”'God,' she answered.”'How can you draw God when no one has ever seen Him?'”Undeterred, Kwon answered, 'They all will know when I finish!'”I told the class, 'All right, now pick out a friend to sit next to.' Little Carmen stood motionless. I asked her, 'Carmen, don't you have a friend?'”Carmen answered, 'Kim's my friend, but I hate her!'”Beth and Walter were hand-in-hand playing house. 'Walter is my husband, Mrs. Berger,' she said, 'and I am his wife.' When it was time for snack, Beth refused the treats by saying, 'No, thanks. We have to go now. My husband just wet in his pants.'”Tim and Charlie were fighting. I asked what started it. 'It began,' Tim said, 'when Charlie hit me back.'”'Why does it rain, Mrs. Berger?' I was asked by Rocco. 'To make the flowers, the grass and the trees grow,' I answered. 'So why does it rain on the sidewalk?'”Just before the Thanksgiving holiday, I asked the class, 'What do you have to be thankful for?' Sammie said, 'I'm thankful I am not a turkey!'”At Christmas time, I read several different versions of 'The Night Before Christmas' and explained that each version depicted Santa Claus the way each author envisioned Santa Claus. The following day, a parent approached me and asked if I had discussed 'The Virgin' with the children. I was quite perplexed until she explained that her daughter told her that I had read another 'version' of the Christmas poem.”I asked Tyrone, 'What are you going to give your twin brother, Humphrey, for Christmas this year?'”'I don't know,' he answered, 'I gave him measles last year.'”'What is a sweater?' I asked my class. Amy jumped up and said, 'It is something I have to put on when my mother gets chilly.'””Stop!” I (Alex) interrupted, “Those kids are more humorous than I am. If you continue, I may lose my job. What final thoughts do you want to leave with parents who are sending their 'babies' out into the world of kindergarten in September?””It is most important that parents work side by side with the kindergarten teacher during the school year. It takes both to promote a happy, productive and successful educational experience for their child. Personally, I especially enjoy the numerous times I am stopped by former kindergarten children, now fine, young adults, who recognize, remember and thank me for being their kindergarten teacher. There is no greater pleasure for me.”Parents, I know it may be very difficult for you during that first day of kindergarten. The following poem is very appropriate:”She wears the new jumper I made. And the ribbons I chose with such care.She doesn't suspect that I wept just a bit. As I fastened them into her hair.I've sent her along, with a kiss and a smile. Now I'll turn to the 'easier' things.On her first day of school – my most difficult task was to lengthen my apron strings.” Ð AnonymousReach columnist Alex Berger at timesledger@aol.com or call 718-229-0300, Ext. 140.
