Berger’s Burg

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A little girl went into her mother's bathroom and remarked on the size of her tummy.

"Well, dear, you see, Daddy has given me a little baby."

The tyke rushed into the bedroom and asked, "Daddy, did you give Mommy a little baby?"

"Err, yes, I did," said the father.

"Well," wept the daughter, "she's eaten it."

May 11 is the day we honor waitresses, doctors, bankers, military personnel and politicians of every rank, astronauts and people in most jobs and professions the world over. To use their generic name: mothers. Mother's Day had to be invented to give these special people the recognition they deserve.

It began when Philadelphia's Anna M. Jarvis, striving to reunite families torn apart by the Civil War, arranged the first church service in honor of mothers in May 1907. The service was so popular that the following year, on the second Sunday in May, other Philadelphia churches held similar services. By 1911, there was not a state in the nation without some observance of Mother's Day. In 1914, Congress officially designated the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day (the anniversary of Jarvis' mother's death).

Since then, Mother's Day has become more of a celebration than an observance, with children presenting cards and gifts to their mothers. Today, it has grown into an international event. Its remarkable growth in a relatively short period of time can be attributed to the fact that everyone has a reason to celebrate it. Everyone has, or has had, a mother. And with all the things they do for us, it is only proper we set aside a day each year to honor them.

Now with the history of Mother's Day out of the way, let me proceed with the reasons why I love them: mothers' wisdom. Here are a few mom-ilies I cherish:

"Always wear clean underwear in case you are in an accident." "Don't wear good underwear to the doctor: Your bill will be higher." "It is just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man." "You only nag the ones you love." "You can't be in 12 places with one behind." "Marriage is give and take. If he doesn't give you what you want, take it." "Because I said so, that's why." "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

"If you are going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." "If you fall out of that tree and break a leg, don't come running to me." "Look at the dirt on the back of your neck." "If you swallow a pit, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach." "I don't care if Spider-Man is dancing on TV. Turn it off this minute and come to dinner." "Just wait until you have children of your own."

Two kindergarten boys were discussing their girlfriends. A third boy joined them. "Do you have a girlfriend?" he was asked.

"Yes," he replied.

"What does she look like?"

The boy looked skyward, hesitated, then answered: "She is tall. She has long black hair. And she is the prettiest girl in the world."

"Wow," the other boys exclaimed. "What is her name?"


I also like their wise solutions to problems.

How did a mother cure her son of bed-wetting? She bought him an electric blanket.

Another kept explaining sex to her son. She told him so much about the birds and the bees it took him years before he knew that girls were somewhere in the equation.

Another mother could not begin to teach her children about sex, despite the fact she had 10. When asked about talking to her children about sex education, she replied, "Oh, no, I gave already!"

And of the mother who was picked for jury duty: She was sent home because she insisted she was guilty.

A gangster was shot in front of his mother's house. Unable to stand, he crawled up the five flights of stairs to the apartment of his little old mother. He knocked on the door weakly. She opened the door and saw her wounded son. In the quietest of whispers, the gangster gasped, "Mama." Dragging him in, his mother said, "First you eat, then we'll talk."

What is a mother?

"A mother is a mother still the holiest thing alive." (Samuel Taylor Coleridge).

"Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of children." (William Thackeray).

"Flowers have the sun and children have their mothers." (Anonymous).

And, mothers are wonderful. They dry tears, make chocolate chip cookies, know almost everything and are never too busy for talks or hugs. (Alex Berger).

Gloria and I want to wish all mothers everywhere a happy Mother's Day.

Updated 6:57 pm, October 10, 2011
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